Stephenie Meyer Ruined by Comic Book Physics

Okay folks, it's time for another illusion to be ruined by a liberal dose of gruesome, gruesome, reality. This time, I'm turning my attention to that hormone-fueled piece of illiteracy known as the "Twilight Saga". Now, I'm pretty sure that people are aware of the basic plot: Disco Ball meets Vapid Girl, Disco Ball and Vapid Girl fall in love for no reason beyond the universe revolving around Vapid Girl, a bunch of shit involving werewolves, vampires and other pointless stupidity occurs, Disco Ball and Vapid Girl live happily ever after with a pet werewolf that has "imprinted" on their mutant baby. Now, I could go on and on about what I hate about this anti-literature propaganda, or I could dive right into what I find to be the dumbest plothole in this series:

The nookie.

Despite all the slavering fangirls wanting it to happen since oooh.... about page twenty of the first novel, Stephenie Meyer decided to not let it happen until the disco ball and vapid girl were married, which in and of itself is too unbelievable to accept unless there was also a witch somewhere in Twilight. For argument's sake though, let's assume that they waited until they were married and then went to do the deed.

Despite what every Twilight fangirl on earth thinks, there is no possible way on earth that it should have ended well. The reason for that is found in that most glorious of sciences, comic book physics.

Twilight: Less believable than this.

Now, we'll ignore Stephenie Meyer's attempts to explain vampire sperm and concentrate on certain aspects of the actual act of boom-chicka-wow-wowing.

One thing that I know about is superheroes and the lonely lives that they lead. Even if they are dedicated to the public good and are all sweetness and light, there are some superpowers that do not translate well to intimate relationships. One of these is superhuman strength such as that possessed by Mr Edward Cullen.

Now, yes he is perfectly in control of his strength at all times, but there is one point where it doesn't matter how much control a person has, what's gonna happen is gonna happen. Anyone know when that time is?

Those folks with dirty minds might've already guessed it.

It's the moment when a dude orgasms.

Just ask Batman

Larry Niven, writing about a similar situation with Superman, put it best when he wrote:
Electroencephalograms taken of men and women during sexual intercourse show that orgasm resembles "a kind of pleasurable epileptic attack." One loses control over one's muscles.

What this means is that the big final thrust that Edward gets to jam "lil Eddie" home is most likely going to shatter Bella's pelvis and pretty much ruin her chances of ever walking again. Not only that, but also consider Edward's sperm. While they won't have the projectile capacity of Superman's sperm, they will bust through Bella's insides like nails from a nail gun going through water balloons.

The only way that Bella would survive the sperm's impact would be if by some bizarre quirk of evolution, Edward's little swimmers were slower than Forrest Gump trying to rap. It would still not save her from the initial pelvic thrust of death though, which means that she'd look less like a blushing bride and more like a shotgun victim.

On her own website, Stephenie Meyer pointed out that there were some involuntary functions that no longer occurred, since they have no longer have a valid function. Unfortunately though, since sperm still apparently have a function for vampires, both Bella and Stephenie Meyer's credibility are screwed.

I just wish that
A, Stephenie Meyer had decided to use physics, and
B, Bella had decided on giving Edward a blowjob at the end of the first book, which would blow her freaking head apart, thus saving us from the rest of this abominable series.

Thank you and good night.